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 The Heros' Ring

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Zeb
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PostSubject: The Heros' Ring   Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:12 am

I'm writing this story (tentativly named "The Hero's Ring"), and I was wondering if you guys wanted to read it and help me critique it. Here's the prolage:

They’ve found us! Wren Tumblewink thought frantically as he scanned the mountain for Annabelle. She was running towards him, clutching the silver ring desperately. Annabelle was pursued by three tall, cloaked figures wielding curved swords. Wren froze, paralyzed with fear. He knew who they were. They were the three Sidhe, Lord Dune’s most powerful servants. Even a powerful elf like Wren, or a princess with magical powers like Annabelle didn’t stand much of a chance against those monsters alone. The Sidhe were invulnerable to almost all magic, Wren’s greatest weapon.
“Wren, come on!” Annabelle yelled, “Stick to the plan!”
“Right!” he replied, snapping into action. Wren and Annabelle knew that they couldn’t go back down through the servants’ entrance. That was how they managed to get up to the middle of the mountain and steal the ring. The ring that Annabelle was now guarding with her life.
Wren dashed towards Annabelle, grabbed her hand, and sprinted up the steep mountain path. Annabelle was almost dragged behind the speedy elf. Wren smiled grimly as the gap between them and the Sidhe widened. The one advantage that we have is speed. Wren and Annabelle had reached the top of the mountain. They stood on the edge of a sheer cliff. The straight plummet was long enough to kill.
“Are you sure this will--” Wren started nervously.
“Yes! Now jump!” Annabelle replied frantically. She clutched Wren’s hand with her left hand and the silver ring in her right. Wren steeled himself with a shaky breath. I can do this. He could hear the Sidhe approaching the top of the mountain behind him. Wren crouched for a fraction of a second, and then hurtled himself, along with Annabelle, into empty space. He could feel himself being propelled forward as he used a spell to push them away from the mountain. After a few seconds, Wren had to release the spell and fall. He could sense that the ground would be hurtling into them at any second now. All of the sudden, his skin prickled and he felt as if a wave had just washed over him.
“Now!” Wren yelled towards Annabelle, who was still grasping his hand. He saw her furrow her brow in concentration, then everything vanished. Wren abruptly found himself lying in a patch of grass. Annabelle was beside him. Annabelle’s teleportation spell worked! he thought excitedly. Wren leaped to his feet, and the princess followed suit. After a quick embrace, he questioned, “Where are we?”
“I don’t know,” she answered happily, “I was just concentrating on getting out of there.”
“And… you got it, right?” the elf asked tentatively.
Annabelle opened her balled up fist to display the shining silver ring that was embedded with a blue stone. A bright smile spread across her face, and she said, “Yes! Now we may have a chance of overthrowing Dune and restoring peace! If only we could rescue the diamond that he still owns, we’d be sure to.” She looked at the ring peculiarly. “You know, this ring seems to share a bit of its power with me when I only touch it. It’s odd, really, I think I can hear your--”
A curved, black blade suddenly appeared at her throat. Just as Wren’s nimble mind registered this fact, he felt cold steel against his own neck. He froze, then glanced up at Annabelle. The fear that he felt was mirrored in her face. Annabelle had told him that the Sidhe wouldn’t be able to track her teleportation charm. It would appear that she was wrong.
“Now,” a cold, high-pitched voice whispered from behind him, “if you hand over the ring like good little children, your deaths may be quicker and less painful.” The three Sidhe crept into sight. One stood with his blade to Annabelle's neck, another’s was at Wren’s neck. The third, who was just speaking, stood in front of them. His face was shrouded by his hood, but the elf knew he must have been smirking. Wren Annabelle’s captor clutched her arm tightly. Probably so that if she teleports, he’ll go along too, he thought glumly.
“Surrender the ring,” the third Sidhe commanded imperiously. “Now.”
Wren knew he only had one chance. He cast an invisibility charm over himself and ducked under his captor’s blade. By the time he had kicked him over and retreated back a few steps, two swords were pointed at Annabelle’s throat. One of them had begun to draw blood.
“A clever trick, little elf,” the Sidhe said coolly, “but I’m giving you exactly ten seconds to show yourself if you value the girl’s life. Ten… nine… eight…”
Wren felt torn. Annabelle had always told him that the success of their mission was more important than their own lives.
“Seven.”
The elf quickly began to formulate a plan. He prepared to charge into the group, grab the ring and Annabelle’s hand, and hope that the princess teleported before the Sidhe had time to react. No… that won’t work. The Sidhe are far too fast.
“Six”
Wren! What was that? Wren was hearing Annabelle’s voice in his head. I’m able to communicate with you since I’m holding the ring! Now, listen carefully. As soon as that scum says ‘one’, I’m tossing the ring into the air.
“Five.”
But you won’t have time to—Wren thought back, hoping that he wasn't just dreaming that Annabelle had made contact with him.
“Four.”
It doesn’t matter, the princess interrupted, just take it and leave!
“Three.”
But—
“Two.”
There’s no time for ‘buts’!
“One!”
NOW!
Annabelle threw the ring into the air with a flick of her wrist. Wren instantly used a temporary invisibility charm on it so the Sidhe hopefully wouldn’t see which direction it flew. On second thought, Wren contemplated, maybe I should have waited a few seconds so that I can see where to catch it… but it’s too late for that now.He reached out to where he thought it would soar. Wren felt it breifly glance off his fingertips. Before he could reach out all the way and grab it, he fell over backwards. He had caught his foot on a protruding root from a nearby maple tree. Suddenly, he heard Annabelle scream. Wren glanced up, but Annabelle and the Sidhe had vanished. Terror crept into Wren’s throat, making it difficult to breathe. Was Annabelle still alive? He looked around, still disoriented from the fall. Where was the ring? A sob escaped the elf’s trembling lips. Annabelle was gone, and he didn’t know where the ring fell. It’s all my fault! I should have been able to save her!
Wren Tumblewink curled up at the base of a tree and began to cry.
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:18 am

Not bad.

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"No time for goodbyes," he said, as he faded away. Don't put your life in someone's hands, they're bound to steal it away.
"Don't hide your mistakes 'cause they'll find you, burn you," then he said.
"If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life.
If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life."


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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Wed Nov 05, 2008 10:23 pm

I LOVE it.

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Zeb
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Fri Nov 07, 2008 10:04 am

Seriously?!??! Very Happy sunny Embarassed Thanks! Do you want me to post more?
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Nov 10, 2008 12:10 am

So any other tips/comments??
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Nov 10, 2008 1:07 am

Ooh! Cool story, Zeb! I really liked the suspense... please post the next chapter!
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:09 am

yeah post more
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:13 am

isn't that kind of based of LOTR? And maybe a little KTTK inspiration? It's good all the same! Post the next chapter!

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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:55 am

yes tell us what happens next

(BTW, siddhe means elf in some mythology, so are those wierd elves or something?)
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Nov 10, 2008 3:51 am

what? Just pod the next chapter!

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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Nov 10, 2008 7:37 am

zeb, you should definitely edit it but that is really good...
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:28 am

Ooh, I just figured out that Sidhe means 'a dark fate' or something like that in Irish! lol, well, yeah, keep posting, Zeb!
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Tue Nov 11, 2008 6:23 am

Actually, you're right, Andy.
Here's the next part:

Chapter One:
Rolf yawned lazily as he picked up his axe. He swung it at the log lying on the ground. A few more chops, he thought, and we’ll have enough firewood for another week. After stacking the logs neatly by the door, he sat on his favorite stump, thinking. Father said that he wouldn’t be back until at least tomorrow morning. I wonder what I’ll do till then. All of a sudden, Rolf heard a small noise. It sounded like a light footstep. Who would be visiting now?
“Hello?” Rolf called hesitantly. He heard no response. That was odd. Puzzling, Rolf began walking towards the tree when he heard another sound. This time it came from up in the branches of the maple tree in front of him. He could have sworn he saw something move. Well, it’s probably just a bird or something, he thought, trying to reassure himself. Just as Rolf turned around, he heard a small noise behind him, like a squirrel leaping to the ground. He spun around in frustration, then froze.
A very peculiar boy stood before him. At first glance, he appeared to be a normal, twelve year old boy. Then Rolf noticed several key differences. The boy wore a pale green cloak. He was about five feet, two inches, if Rolf’s mental calculations were correct, though somehow he seemed fully grown. The strangest thing was that, behind shoulder-length black hair, Rolf saw that his ears tapered into points.
“Hello,” the boy said quickly and articulately. “I’m Wren Tumblewink and I need to ask you a few questions.”
“Who--” Rolf stuttered. He was unable to digest that a young boy had jumped out of a tree and begun questioning him in less than two seconds.
“No,” the boy, Wren, cut in, “I’ll be asking all the questions. First, have you seen a silver ring with a blue gem lately?” Wren appeared a bit guilty as he asked the question.
“Wait, are you… Where did you…”
Wren sighed and muttered something that could have been ‘humans!’ “You don’t seem to understand. I would appreciate it if you answered all my questions quickly and truthfully.” Rolf flinched as Wren gazed at him intently with his striking blue eyes. Rolf felt a strange twinge in his stomach, which left after a few seconds.
“No, I have not ever seen such a ring. I have never heard of it,” Rolf said automatically. Did I just say that?
Wren frowned while leaning on his staff pensively. “Have you seen three tall, cloaked figures?”
Rolf was not going to say anything, but something seemed to force him to speak. “No, I have not.” Why did I say that?
“Hm… Well, thank you for your time.” Wren said curtly. Rolf was about to open his mouth, but Wren leaped forward and tapped Rolf’s forehead lightly. “Good day.”
Everything went black.


Well, it's still rough, but that's basically what happens. Any sugestions? Oh, and I know that I need to work on Wrens charictarization... still not sure how I'm going to fix that... Well, I'm glad to see that yall like it!
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Tue Nov 11, 2008 6:32 am

Whoah! Rolf is a guy from Fire Emblem and his weapon is an axe in the game!

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"No time for goodbyes," he said, as he faded away. Don't put your life in someone's hands, they're bound to steal it away.
"Don't hide your mistakes 'cause they'll find you, burn you," then he said.
"If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life.
If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life."


3DG
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Zeb
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Tue Nov 11, 2008 6:34 am

Hehe, seriously? I've never heard of that.... so did you like this part?
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Tue Nov 11, 2008 6:35 am

Yeah, it's good. But is that a whole chapter or just part of one?

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"No time for goodbyes," he said, as he faded away. Don't put your life in someone's hands, they're bound to steal it away.
"Don't hide your mistakes 'cause they'll find you, burn you," then he said.
"If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life.
If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life."


3DG
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Tue Nov 11, 2008 6:42 am

A whole chapter. I know, it's short. I'll probably expand it later. Later, as in when I don't have huge heaps of homemork to finish and lots of scripts to memorise and reherse.
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Tue Nov 11, 2008 6:56 am

Have you read mine?

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"No time for goodbyes," he said, as he faded away. Don't put your life in someone's hands, they're bound to steal it away.
"Don't hide your mistakes 'cause they'll find you, burn you," then he said.
"If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life.
If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life."


3DG
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Tue Nov 11, 2008 7:52 am

where is it? and what is it called?
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Tue Nov 11, 2008 10:03 am

I wouldn't really call it a story. It's under the thread "A story I wrote in Language Arts class."

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"No time for goodbyes," he said, as he faded away. Don't put your life in someone's hands, they're bound to steal it away.
"Don't hide your mistakes 'cause they'll find you, burn you," then he said.
"If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life.
If you want to get out alive, oh-oh, run for your life."


3DG
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Andrew Blue



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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:08 am

Ah, Zeb, this chapter is really good! You're right, you do need to keep Wren's character more consistant, but it's great overall! Keep posting!
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Mon Dec 01, 2008 2:18 am

wow zeb....i like it
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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Wed Dec 03, 2008 4:07 am

It's good ain't it.

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PostSubject: Re: The Heros' Ring   Wed Dec 03, 2008 4:14 am

i liked it!!!
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